Des-per-ate.

Hey World.  I feel better, but only with the help of Rielsing.  Is that a good thing?  Probably not, but oh well.  It's what helps me get through.  Being a mom of three is hard.  An almost seven year old who hates what is happening to his  family and still hasn't gotten used to it after...nine months? That sux.  A 4.5 year old who is "spirited" and is trying to hold it together for his whole family? Poor guy.  An almost three year old who just wants love, love, love, happiness, happiness, happiness? I just want to hug her.  Hating your ex sux, but it's where I'm at.  I don't trust him, I don't believe a word he says.  I worry about my friends, I want only the best for them.  I worry about myself.  I know I'm fine for now.  I have friends and family who will take care of me.  But I'm not content with that.  I want a job now.  I want my future now.  I want to be secure on my own.  Is that too much to ask?  I want to be in control.  Of my life.  Of my kids' lives.  I want to make the decisions that impact everyone.  I want to be sure.  I want to know now what will happen 6 months from now.  And I want to be in charge of that.  I'd like to be comfortable at 10:48 at night, in my own home.  Not wondering if the person who owns this home will wonder why I'm on the front porch.  I want to do my own thing, on my own.  Be responsible for me.  Not answer to anyone.  I am an adult, you know.  I'm OLD.  Right?  I hate that this has to be complicated.  I hate that I feel so out of control.  So needy.   It fucking sucks.  I have little bits that make me feel close to whole, but they aren't getting me there.  I know what would get me there, and it's a stable job.  Please?  Please?   Just hire me?  I know I can do what you need.  I know I can exceed your expectations.  I know I can give 1 million percent.  It's what I have been longing for.  Don't you see?  I'm ready to give.  Just accept?  Sigh.  In more ways than one.