So, I had myself talked into the conclusion that I was going to cancel this morning's doctor appointment, based on the following:
My antidepressant would cost shitons until I reach my million dollar deductible.
I would be wasting my doctor's time.
Talking about depression is hard.
I sort of believe I don't deserve to be happy.
I took my kids to school, came home and dialed up the doc's office, prepared to cancel my appointment. Sat on hold forever. Then decided to screw it all, get a shower, and head to the appointment.
Because I was tired of being on hold.
Because I am tired of my life being on hold.
Because I want to feel decent.
Because I am not a quitter.
I'm very glad I went. I got to read a Better Homes and Gardens from February, 2011 and a Better Homes and Gardens from November, 2011. I got to hear a kid's video game music for 45 minutes. I got to discuss my state with a caring person who I respect and am so lucky to have in my life. I am going to go on a generic antid this time, Celexa, which will put me out FOUR DOLLARS a month. She also recommended therapists.
I felt better already, driving home. I did it even though I felt alone and it was hard. I was starting to accept that crap was how my life is, and that's just how it was going to be. But that's a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to stick to getting better, because that's what I do. I stick, motherfuckers, and you're just going to have to accept it.
2 comments:
I am so proud of you! Not only for going to see the doctor, but for the amazing strength you have shown over the past couple of years! <3 baby!
I was going to skip my doctor's appointment for my new neurologist. I was sure that he couldn't help my headaches, because no one could. I was sure that it would be a waste of time and money, and he probably was the wrong kind of doctor anyway.
I'm glad I didn't cancel. He's not the wrong kind of doctor and he's working with me to find the right mix of medications and treatments.
Love you, Mel! Glad you didn't skip out!
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