Smile! Or not?

I have a confession to make.  A couple of months ago, when I started getting all vain and materialistic, I bought some Crest Whitestrips (Premium!).  I had a coupon.  My teeth were a gnarly shade of yellow.  They stain easily, apparently, and I love coffee.

It's a seven day kit, and you're supposed to use the strips twice a day, for 30 minutes.  Peel, Apply, Reveal:  Three steps to a beautiful, whiter smile in just seven days!  With NOTICIBLE WHITENING AFTER THREE DAYS!!!!!!

The first time I whitened, things went well.  No problemo.  But then I got distracted and forgot to whiten for the second time that day.  And perhaps the second time I whitened was the following day...I dunno, I can't remember such turns of events.  What I do recall, though, is the result of my second 30 minutes of whitening.  Very.Very.Very. Sensitive.Teeth.  Like, if you happen to take a breath through your mouth: youchie pain.  Cold water?  WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  Hot coffee?  Holy fuck!

Since then, I've whitened sporadically, like whenever I happened to notice the Whitestrips kit sitting on Barack Obama* in the kitchen.  Or whenever I found my teeth to be particularly grody during inspection.  Or, this one time, I was chatting with this really hot guy online, and I thought to myself, "gord, if he could see my teeth now, he'd think I am disgusting." So, I took that opportunity to subject my enamel to great pain.

Obviously, I haven't been consistent in my usage.

The other day, I got a free sample (YAY!) of Crest Whitestrips 3D. Because teeth aren't dimensional already.  So, in preparation for my hot date for drinks and wholesome appetizers with my apparently-lesbian lover last night, I slapped on the the 3D strips.  Those were different.  They felt like they were instantly and permanently bonded to my teeth.  Liquid Nails, if you will.  And 30 minutes later, when I went to remove them, I had to like work to strip those puppies off.  Kind of worried me, because as yellow as they are, my teeth are pretty important to me.  But, I truly did notice a whiter smile!!

And today, as I type this and sip my coffee, I truly do notice the excruciating pain and sensitivity.  Beauty is rough.  Of this kit I bought two months ago, I have three sets of strips left.  I'm sure I'll probably use them randomly over the next couple of weeks.  Will my teeth benefit from this extensive experiment of torture?  Will my smile be improved?  Will I feel better about myself?  Maybe a little, on all accounts. Time will tell.  If I ever run into a hot internet guy, we'll know if my scattered, random, vanity has paid off. :)  Smiles!  :)


*Barack Obama is a black organizer on our kitchen counter.  In fact, this is Barack.  It was so named because I purchased it during the presidential campaign, and referred to it as the black organizer.  At the same time, some dipshit, rightwing Obama hater made some kind of declaration that "Barack Obama is nothing more than a black organizer," ya know, to prove that he lacked the experience to be elected prez.  And, so, being the inappropriate family that we were, and continue to be, we endeared our very own black organizer with the name Barack Obama.  The kids just call it Barack.