Reality

Jeeze, I didn't realize the extent of it.  I mean, I've come to understand that I'd been in a funky-funk the months leading up to my "change in family status"... therapy has helped me understand that.  But, OMG, I just read my blog posts from 2009 and some of 2008.  I had to stop - it was really disenchanting and honestly was making me feel uncomfortable.  First, I was a fucking mess.  I seem so sad, so unfulfilled.  Even in the general, this-is-what's-going-on-with-the-kids posts, I can see the unhappiness in the background.  I guess they just make me comprehend how I was feeling.

What a waste of time, being depressed and not living up to my potential.  The freaky thing is - I truly did not feel what was going on.  I didn't feel what I was feeling?  Can that be possible?  I think it's true.

I'm just not a good stay-at-home mom.  It was the plan, though.  It was my destiny.  It was the right thing to do.  I didn't want to fail...I didn't want to admit that I sucked at it and that it didn't fulfill me. I think I must have turned off the part of my brain that says "hey, listen, you need to wake up and see what's going on here," so that I could convince myself that all was ok and I was livin' the life.  The life that was in the plan.  Total fucking denial.

So, I realize this stuff now.  It all makes sense, I understand.  But how can I know about the future, or about now?  If I feel something, how can I trust that I'm letting myself feel my feelings?  Following?  I'm pretty certain that I'm being open with myself.  Not trying to convince myself that I need to be a certain way, or have certain thoughts.  Obviously, the answer is that I just need to learn to trust myself.

Trust. Myself. How to do that?  If I have inner-trust and confidence in me, I will be able to live in reality.  I think, in the past, my crappy-ass self-worth dictated my skewed reality.  I thought life was good...I was fine...we were fine.  I honestly believed that at the time.  I want, you know, real reality.  I am on my way there, I can feel it.  I have so.much.more. confidence in myself today than I did even three months ago.

I don't really plan to go back and read much more of my past blogging. That was then, and I'm all about now.  Moving forward, onward.  Can't tell you how amazing it feels to be clearer.