So here's the deal. I have a lot to learn if I want to be a bartender. Did you know about "Black and Blue"? (Should I put the '?' before the quote mark?) It's Blue Moon + a little bit of Guinness. Didn't know.
Also, I'm a little worried about my health. I feel a lot "off" lately. Like shakey. Shaky? Yes, shaky. I dunno. Too much caffeine? Maybe I need a physical. But what a pain...to have to sit and wait for my appointment. To get a babysitter for an appointment. Am I making excuses? Likely. I just really feel off.
Not to even mention (though I am mentioning) my emotional state. I'm having more iffy days than I am good days. Listen, things aren't awful. I'm just in my head a lot these days. Questioning most things I do; most things I feel. Frustrated that I can't get a job after how many months? I've been actively seeking employment for 6 months. Before that, it was half-assed, I'll admit. I was waiting for family stuff to "work out." That was a waste. But I feel I should have a job after 6 freaking months. Is it the economy? Or am I just a worthless fuckup? Or does 7 years outside of the workforce really mean a lot? Or am I really horrible at interviews? Whatever the reason, it's the same result: I remain gainfully unemployed. It makes me feel like a failure who has nothing to offer to the world.
Which puts me in a really needy position. I absolutely *hate* depending on others...for anything. It makes me sick to have to depend on $$ from The Ex for livelihood. It makes me feel like a fuckup to have to live in friends' spare bedroom. It absolutely isn't an ideal situation. I crave private time. It's just who I am. I want to do things my way, no thoughts of how it'll effect others (maybe that's why I'm no longer in a marriage? Lol). I want to come and go as I please. I want ME time. Comfortable time all to myself. And, as generous as my housemates are, that's just not an option in someone else's home. I just long for my own environment. My own PLACE. It's a big deal for me...it's a part of who I am.
Looking on the bright side of things, I should be confident that'll happen soon. But right now...tonight...it totally sucks that it's not reality. I feel like the supreme loser, I do. Nothing friends can say has convinced me otherwise.
So I'm realizing, things have come easily to me in the past. Apply to one job? No! We'll give you a better one! You win! Now? Notsomuch. I'm struggling to get the minimum. It sucks.
I would really like to be a bartender. Really! It would challenge me. To be social. To be semi-graceful. Which, if you know me, is a big challenge. Something new. Mixing drinks actually fascinates me. Really. Is that odd? The part about bartending that turns me off is "washing" the glasses. Really? Have you seen bartenders wash glasses? Do you think that really gets 'em clean? I think it's questionable. That kinda bothers me.
Which would put me in a non-service type job. Likely corporate. But no one there is fighting for me. But I plug on. I'm really trying. I'm searching and applying every day. Maybe someday soon, the right job will come along. My fat fingers are crossed. Hopefully then, my life will fall into place?
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