This is a bunch of crap, so you probably shouldn't read it

Big warning:  WARNING.

Might get untidy.

I'm crying a lot lately.  I'm also having headaches, and very itchy skin.  I'm sort of a mess.

I'm not sure why chicks hold onto ideas so tightly.  I am super-duper mourning the loss of my family lately.  I can't stop thinking about what I had and how different it was from what I currently have.  To be clear:  I am not mourning the loss of my husband.  I am hurting because the idea is dead.  I have been thinking, what if he decided one day he wants me back?  Would I do that so that my children could be happy?  Both boys mention regularly that they wish our family was still together.  Would I do that to make that old idea of family a reality again?

And the answer is no.  No way.  I have interactions with my ex, and I just don't see it.  I mean, I know it was there back in the day.  But who he is today?  Not my cup of tea.  And I'm pickier than shit.  I wouldn't do it even for the kids.  And I know this, and I understand this and I still miss the idea, and still hold onto those pieces.  My old pieces get me nowhere; they are just rotting inside me and melting parts of me away.  I see this, and I still am holding on and I can't seem to make myself let go, and I don't understand why.

And it makes me angry that I'm behaving this way, and it makes me sad that I'm being so unreasonable and I can feel myself falling and I wonder how long I've been acting this way.   I wonder when understanding I need to stop will transform to just stopping.