Mel's Guide to Being Perfectly Fine with Where You Are Right Now

At present, the thought of a committed (or even committed-ish) relationship with a man makes me break out in hives.  Not sarcasm, not exaggeration to solidify a point, not shock value...just hives.

I don't believe in forever in anything in life.  I certainly don't believe in love-understanding-respect-"oneness" foreverness anymore.  It's not realistic:  people change...they grow...they regress...they learn things about themselves with time and come to what might be different understandings of reality.  Sometimes, those understandings mesh well with their partner's...sometimes not.

I don't ever want to look at the person I'm "in love" with or have committed myself to (and my family - face it, if I were to place you in a partner role, I couldn't do so without involving my children) and think, "Who the hell is this person?"  I don't want him to cringe every time I laugh (this happens, believe me).

There are just too many factors at stake.  Two important ones: my head and my heart.  Over the past year and nine months, I've been working on putting the head thing together.  Gotta be okay with yourself, right?  Got to understand the person you are, who you need to be today, and how - if at all - that relates to tomorrow and how that affects the people who depend on you. The heart thing?  Let's just say, I bring it out and set it on the table - all naked and vulnerable - from time to time.  I like the temporary openness and exposure to the elements...in short bursts.  You want to love me?  I can take it...I even crave it, I want to give it.  But at the end of the day, you can be certain I'm cracking my chest back open and placing that puppy securely behind that cage of rib bones where it belongs.

I can imagine it's hard to find people who understand this way of thinking and who are supportive of your needs and are yippy-skippy fine with the limited amount of love/closeness/oneness you are comfortable with sharing.  Not that fake, "Oh, cool!  A chick who doesn't need me that much! Jackpot! But wait, that's not fair: I want a relationship, just like society, my parents, and God has drilled into my head my whole life" nonsense that very well might occur. 

Well, guessy what?  If you are in an abbreviated love state of mind like I am, and you find someone who can truly provide the closeness you desire and happily receives the affection you can offer, by all means, girl (boy): enjoy it.  Now, sometimes these mini-relationships will be unconventional in nature, meaning there could possibly be a valid reason (other than the wounded heart, broken spirit sob story I tell) your sometimes-love cannot have or does not want a full-on balls-out relationship.  For instance, rearrange the letters in "reason" ... add a "p" ... delete an "a" ... and that could be an important element. 

So, unconventional, but who the fuck has defined convention?  God? Politicians? Generations of kinfolk who have done the Right Thing? Society?  All of the above?

I assume this state of casual-lovin' will fade, and one day I'll wake up and say, "Lawdy, I need some permanent manliness in my life."  Someday!  When that day comes, I will have crafted some attitudes toward commitment that will guide my thought processes regarding any long-termish relationships I might find myself in:

1)  There's love you receive, and there's love you give.  Period.
2)  Nothing is forever, but damn, today's pretty amazing.
3)  Respect does not mean always agreeing.  Respect is shutting your mouth, opening your mind, accepting another person's point-of-view, and understanding that it's just dandy that your person believes/feels that.
4)  When you no longer believe in me, please find something(one) else to believe in. 

Just a starter list.  Will likely continue it as time goes by.

Important things to remember about people like me: my choices are my own; my relationships are my own; my way of thinking might make you run and hide in your closet, rocking back and forth, your Bible clutched to your bosom, but that's your decision.  I don't believe in the custom of displaying various flags on my dwelling, but if I did, you better know that I'd be waving my freak flag proudly.

:)