Writing Therapy

My current state of being is upset/flustered/emotional/confused. And you know the only thing that seems to help me out of this kind of state is writing. I think I'm addicted to it, perhaps. Not a horrible dependency to have, I suppose. Sure, I could have a couple-few drinks. Sure, that would help me feel better...but it wouldn't help me work through my feelings.

God, I'm so girly. Sort of.

Anyway. Apartments/moving. Clusterfuck. A great big ole clusterfuck. So, I found this great apartment community. There were all kinds of hurdles to even allow me to *see* the apartment. Finally got to view the available apartment in person this past Wednesday. Perfect for where I am right now. Not incredibly modern, but really nice nonetheless. Just what I've been seeking. Filled out my application, submitted my fee that same day. Faxed pay stubs and copy of photo ID the following day. Set up today as my move-in/sign paperwork/get key day. Went to get key this morning? Hey, we didn't get your fax, sorry! We'll get you processed and be ready for you in an hour or two. OK, apartment people, that sorta sux, but I'll go home and pack and wait for your call. Then the call came: Hey, little snag. Your income doesn't meet our requirements.

OK. I took a job that doesn't pay incredibly generously. Why? Because no one else fucking wanted me. But, really? You need a co-signor, they tell me. UGHHHHH! Really? I'm trying to do this on my own. So, I ask my mom to be my co-signor. Makes a girl feel nice and independent. Help, Mom, please? Also: you've had my application for 3 days now...you're just realizing this? Anyway. So, the apartment people email (after a freaking long time) me the co-applicant/co-signor form. My mom signs it and I email back all the necessary info/paperwork by close of business.

The apartment girl says she'll come in early tomorrow to dedicate her time to getting me processed so I can have a key tomorrow afternoon for move-in. BLLLLAHHHHH! I really am a laid-back person who tries to go with the flow, but I am flustered! And frustrated by this whole process. Can things be easy? Nope. I'm really nervous that things won't work out. All this planning, all this packing, all this anticipation. Mostly the anticipation...I'm worried that I won't get to move in tomorrow. If at all.

I guess if it doesn't work out, I'll just find something else. I guess it's just a matter of time. But, I want this to work out. I'm sort of desperate, after all this time, to mark my territory. To call a place my own. To finally START OVER. That's all I'm really looking for...my 2.0. My next release. My update.

To top it all off, I'm missing a part of my support system. I'm missing the comfort that came from a certain friend who isn't really my friend anymore. I just miss that friend. That's that.

However, I've managed to make new friends. All accidental. Crazy circumstances, crazy coincidences. But new friends = new outlooks = new additions to my life. New ways for me to approach life situations. New ways for me to see the world. Cool stuff, if you ask me. Learning from others helps me understand myself better. I think I might thrive on people. As socially awkward as I might be, I think I'm more of a people person than a loner. Though I honestly do enjoy my loner-brooding days. I just feel the scale tips more toward energy from others than energy from within. Crazy talk? Maybe.

More on the moving. I packed most of my B&B life up last night. Not a lot of stuff. After my mandatory group therapy session this morning (which might be mandatory, but which I honestly enjoy - again gleaning from others to improve me...plus there's a really cute...and sort of young, compared to my "experienced" age, guy there who I get to talk to, and who laughs at my jokes, and who is - again - cute) I went to my old house with the kids to pack up some belongings and whatnot. I got all emotional about the house. No secret that I love this house. I feel comfortable at this house. It's where my kids have grown "up." It's what they know. Seeing it all half-empty got me all emotional and choked up. I started crying, then Luke started crying. He said, "I'll miss this house. I'll miss our family." So sad. I miss the *idea* of our family. I miss security. I don't miss my marriage, though. Nonetheless, still sad. Sad as fuck. Closing a door and locking it tightly.

New places, new memories. That's my future. That's almost my present. I just hope present happens sooner than later.