My Poppy

Today's my dad's birthday.  He would have been 64.  I miss him tons.  I've been dreaming about him most nights.  I have loads of mixed emotions about my dad.  He was a very critical person, and I'm pretty sure his criticism is the main source of my ridiculous self-doubt.  He was also hilarious.  And caring, in his own way.  He was passionate about what he believed in.  He was a friendly person and had many friends.  He was also cranky!  I have a lot of guilt about how I felt about him in his last weeks.  I didn't know they were his last weeks, otherwise I would have totally pushed my feelings aside and concentrated on the positive parts of his life.  He was so rude to the people who cared for and about him when he was sick.  I got so. mad. at how he ordered people around and his annoyance with his family.  I've never been that sick, but I can't imagine not recognizing that people mean well...that even when they seem annoying, family is just trying to care for you, love you.  Anyway, the thing is - he never acted that way with me.  So, I guess we had a special bond, he and I.  Guess that's why I miss him - all of him - so much.