I'm feeling so blue. I'm not rock bottom, I can still enjoy things. I am enjoying listening to music. I am enjoying my coffee. I look forward to a bath. To just lying there, in the hot water. So, I am not devoid of anything positive. However, I am really really into myself right now. I am just feeling so sorry for me. About my situation. I do not want T back. I am just sad for the loss. Angry, upset, grieving. I can't figure out if this is something I should try to pull myself out of, or if I should just let it consume me for a couple of days. I can recognize that it's not taking over - the depression - but I do feel overwhelmed by it. Does that even make sense? I never saw myself as I am. I never thought I'd be here. I am worried about my future. About the kids' futures. I am trying to live day by day, but it's hard not to think too far ahead. It's also hard not to be overly-introspective. I'm worried that I'm protecting myself by living in fantasy. Through music, little dreams, little wishes. Imagined "relationships." I want some happiness in life, but am I ready for it? It's very gray out today.
BTW, I hate all of this negative stuff. This is the opposite of how I want to be.
2 comments:
It is hard not to feel blue today. Let yourself grieve. You have every right to be sad, angry, disgusted...Just know that there are MANY people who are here to support you and the kids. Less than 3!
I agree with Cathy. You know, hiding your feelings and just plastering on a smile won't necessarily help you feel better or move on faster. You're doing very well, Mel. If I were in your shoes I can only imagine I'd be a total wreck. You have to allow yourself to feel bad sometimes, and then pick yourself up and plaster the smile on -if need be. And if you live with a little fantasy to get yourself through it, it won't hurt. Honestly. <3
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