Man, to say my feelings are all over the place is to say the least. I think I'm coming out from hiding. I'm telling more and more people about what's going on*...which leads me to believe that I'm beginning to accept it. I think. Anyway, I'm having a hard time with my feelings. I want my family to survive, and I have been trying to be positive about outcomes, but I'm starting to have bitter feelings. Starting to feel defeated. Starting to lose hope. Real hope. The holidays aren't helping. I still want to fight for what I feel is right, but it's hard when it's one-sided. You can't convince someone else to feel a certain thing, or to behave a certain way, right K.D. Lang?
Aside from feelings, there's just the whole logistics issue. How can someone go from being with the kids every single day, from being a totally hands-on parent, to seeing them a couple of evenings a week and overnight on the weekend? Why is it fair that I'm now a "single" mom of three? It's not fair, and most of the time, I just have to make myself get over that. You do what you have to do. Most of the time, I think I can do this. I can parent my kids well on my own. Other times, I'm overwhelmed beyond belief. Ugh.
I also need to find a job. I've been out of the workforce for more than six years. I don't want just "any" job. I'd love to have my old job back, but T works for the parent company. I don't know if I want to do that. Maybe I need to head in a new direction, but where? What am I qualified for? Who will want me? How will the kids handle it? They've only ever known me as a stay-at-home mom. I would welcome the intellectual stimulation, and the challenge. But still, it's terrifying!
I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll turn a corner - move on - give up. I'm just confused and scared. For myself, my kids, and for T.
*if you don't know, Tony moved out in early September, because he's unhappy with me.
6 comments:
Hey Mel - I've been in the same situation - a newly single mom of a 5 month old baby living in a different state than my family. You'll get through it, but yeah, it completely sucks.
I didn't know, Mel and I'm sorry to hear it. I've been through some gnarly stuff in my own life and the only thing I can say for sure is you WILL get through this and more than likely it will make you stronger. No one can tell you exactly what to do, or how long it will take but just know that people care and empathize with you. I think you're doing the right thing with the blog. It is therapeutic to "get it out" and you know someone is always listening. :)
You know I love you & will do anything I can to help you. <3
Thought I would come and return the blog love :o) I haven't really known or understood completely what's going on, but I have been smart enough to figure out that you have been having a hard time. It's a Christian-based book, but I really enjoyed doing "The Love Dare." I know our faiths are different but I am praying and hoping for a resolution for you --- and even if that resolution is hard, is can still be doable. There were so many things that I "had" to do with Emelia and I think mothers are amazing human beings because we are able to do whatever we need to do for our kids. In hindsight, I think that I almost have PTSD over some of the stuff I went through as a single mom, but friends and family filled the gaps for me in ways I couldn't have even have imagined when the journey started. I didn't have the skills to do the job when I first started either but my skill set, resolve, and inner strength grew over time. Love you.
I'm sorry I haven't checked your blog lately, Mel. I've been a bit of a hermit, but that's not a very good excuse.
This whole thing sucks. I'm so angry at him, but I'm so proud of you! You're just amazing!
<3 <3 <3
Your kids are resilient, and they will get through this, although it will definitely be an adjustment. It will also be difficult for them as they get older to be shuffled back and forth. But, since that's their reality, they'll find a way to get through it, and with you as their mom, it'll be that much better.
Love you!
I didn't know about this, just reading it today. I'm sorry to hear about the new challenge you face, but based on your subsequent posts, I think you'll do great!
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