I'm facing facts: sleep is just going to be elusive for me tonight. Well, this morning, really. Why not just blog about the myriad of thoughts that are running though my head?
1. So, I've completely (yes?) accepted that the Maddox5 is over. It's amazing, in such a short period of time - weeks - how quickly feelings/perceptions can change. With this acceptance has come a kind of peace. And detachment, really. Not that it's not sad. Not that I'm all happy-happy-joy-joy. Not that I don't feel guilty about my detachment. But, really, I feel kind of good, for things being as crappy as they are.
2. I really want to stay in this house. I love this house. The kids love this house.
3. If we are to stay in this house, I need to get employed, and pronto! Otherwise, the bank will take my house away!
4. My skin is a mess! I hate this! My face is doing better, since I've really been trying to keep my hands off of it. But, my back and chest...another story. Sickening. I've got to get this picking under control.
5. I'm afraid I'll never be able to like myself. Confidence is just so hard for me. I'm always thinking, "Did I do that right?" "What if I am offending someone?" "What is she thinking of me?" I even trip myself up when I'm speaking. I start to worry about how the other person is perceiving what I'm saying, or how I'm saying it, and can't get the words out right. Or lose track of my thoughts! How annoying, right? I don't feel so worthless with the written word, though. For some reason, I'm Internet-Confident. I can type without freaking out.
6. I am feeling slightly better about my body. This is pretty big. I've lost a little weight, and I can tell my clothes are fitting better. And I'm constantly hiking my jeans up. Attractive, I know. However, I don't feel healthier. I'm still tired. I'm still not eating "right." I need way more physical activity.
7. I know that 2010 will be a much better year for me, and for my family. It just has to be.
8. I am going to smile more. It's kind of unnatural for me. My relaxed facial position is a scowl! But I do feel better when I smile, and hopefully it makes others feel better, too.
9. Some people are givers. They thrive on doing for others. I wish I were more like that. Not that I don't like to give. I just can't give lots. I'm too selfish.
10. I am working on creating positive affirmations for myself (go, therapy!) and it makes me feel hokey and funny. Like the Stuart Smalley character from SNL..."I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it - people like me!"
2 comments:
You should talk to Joeye about her improv/acting group. That would build self-confidence and definitely get you to smile more! Congratulations on the fact that you've learned to accept a pretty sucky situation. Things could be a whole lot worse, believe me! Good luck on the job hunt.
No matter how things turn out...you have so many people in your corner who love you dearly. Joe and I are here to help in any way we can!
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