It's really funny how some days I'm just fine...the kids do their kid things and I'm not overwhelmed by much of anything. Then the next day, the same situation occurs and I feel completely nervous and flustered about lots of things. Today's a flustered day. Not exactly overwhelmed....just not relaxed, not comfortable. The kids are being fine. Cam's home sick (fever, sinus issues and diarrhea - when he gets sick, he gets SICK!). The little ones are being their normal little selves. No fits. Rowan's napping. All should be great, right? Yet, I feel on edge and irritated. Hard to concentrate.
I'm scared to death of going off my happy pills. I don't think my depression is just the postpartum variety anymore. I think it's just me now. In the Spring, my doc is going to start weaning me. First of all, I'm worried about the side effects of coming off. I know they will happen and I know they will be strong. They were when I went on the meds, and they start to happen anytime I am even like 1/2 day late taking my dose. Mostly, though, I'm scared of how I'll be all on my own. No happy boost. Nothing to keep me even. I don't want to put my family through that (again). And I'm just scared of the failure, again. The fact that I'm not good enough on my own. The fact that I need something external to regulate my mood...to make me normal...and not just on a temporary basis. But, like, forever.
1 comment:
So what's normal anyway?
We're in the first generation of people who were born of a heavily medicated (legal and otherwise) population. I mean, even the water we drink had to be specially treated with fluoride, etc. And who knows what all the subliminal advertising, second-hand smoke, etc. did to us?
Nobody can judge what is right for you except you and your Doctor. Just remember, if you are able to question your sanity . . . you're perfectly sane. :-)
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