All Mel, All the Time

Easy like Monday morning

2012-02-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

So, I feel like making a list. Lists are easy.

I filed my taxes yesterday. The refund will be nice.

It's basically spent.

Paying people back the money they've lent me.

Also, buying my daughter a twin bed and mattress and bedding.

She's outgrown her toddler bed.

A bunk bed and a twin bed will take up most of my kids' room, even though they have the "master" bedroom.

I'm also planning to buy an inexpensive couch.

The loveseat I currently have is functional, but I really want a full-sized couch.

My space heater stopped working. This makes me sad. And cold.

My oldest son is an avid reader. He reads much of the time.

As a project for school, we're reading a novel as a family. He and I are taking turns reading chapters aloud. I'm enjoying the story.

It's called The Year of the Dog by Grace Lin.

I'm still in the process of being hired for a part-time, temporary, contract job. If you remember my google rater days, it's similar to that.

I'm very excited at the prospect of doing this job. I like the work, and the money will be just a lifesaver.

I very much don't like the cold weather.

My middle son had a very bad morning today. I had to literally drag him into school.

He used to be like this all the time when he was younger, but these days he acts this way when something is really bothering him. I'm worried he's physically hurting.

I'm worried he's constipated. Honestly.

Sometimes I crave a baloney/balogna and american cheese sandwich, no condiment.

That sounds good right now. It's 9:35am.

If I had a larger tax refund, I'd buy a great lens for my camera.

I'd also buy a larger TV for my living room and move the itty bitty to my bedroom.

Oh, to lie in bed and watch TV and fall asleep to Scrubs.

I used to drink probably too much wine. I still like wine, but don't do that anymore.

I don't know why. I just don't want to.

I like beer. I hardly ever drink it, though.

I like mixed drinks, but can't really recall the last time I had one.

I don't really dig hard liquor or shots too much.

These days, my main vice is hot tea. I like iced tea, but haven't had that lately.

At work, if I replaced every other cup of tea I have with water, life would probably be healthier.

I don't understand Pinterest. And I'm not sure I want to.

I wish I had an iPad or other tablet. But my laptop's fine.

I used to be very good with money.

Which is a complete joke now.

I like taking care of my kids. I hope I'm good at it.

I like the baloney/cheese sandwich I just ate. :)

It works for me

2012-02-06T09:35:00.001-05:00

When I search for happiness, I seem to come up empty. It's like I try too hard with all the analysis and pondering. I just had a thought, though, that I'm missing the things that make me happy just because. They are little things that seem small and maybe even mundane or trivial, but I think it's those things I should focus on.

For instance, I realize I feel happy when I accomplish something as basic as a grocery shopping trip. Food in the fridge and pantry makes me feel more secure. Hey, hey I can feed my kids! A full (or even half-full) gas tank in my car fills me with relief.

I used to do this all the time, but got away from it: preparing for the next day the night before. The nights I get all the lunches ready and the kids' outfits laid out are worth it. Yeah, I feel lazy and tired and just want to decompress, but getting all that stuff done provides a sense of achievement for me and I can't even describe how much easier the morning is because of the preparation. Without the rushing and stressing, the morning is lighter and the moods of my family are lighter as well. Happy kids = happy mom. Happy mom = happy kids.

It works for me, so I'll take it.

A list!

2012-02-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

1. New Antid: My body is very sensitive to medication, so the side effects I'm experiencing with my new crazy pills are not a surprise. I've been nauseous (I hate spelling that word), antsy, and the worst thing is sweaty hands. Don't like sweaty hands. I think I'm already feeling the good effects of the meds, though.

2. The generic dishwasher detergent I usually buy leaves fewer spots than the brand name. I'm baffled.

3. It looks like I have a part-time/temporary/home-based contractor gig lined up. I faxed my paperwork in Friday, and I hope things don't fall through. I need the money. I need the money bad.

4. Other possible side effects of my crazy pills: sexual dysfunction and weight gain. Gulp.

5. I like cooking Big Breffus for my kids on Sunday mornings, but I sure dislike the fried food smell that permeates the apartment the whole day after.

6. Each week, I soak my kids' toothbrushes in a baking soda/water mixture. Is this over the top?

7. I live paycheck to paycheck, yet spend $10+ on foundation for my face. Is this insane?

8. In these strange, strange times, I find myself liking hot tea much better than wine.

9. I watched the entire film Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time today and enjoyed it. I suspect I would have enjoyed it more if Cam hadn't been explaining each and every scene to me, as well as comparing the movie to the book that he has read approximately 35 times. ;)

10. It is my belief that Scrubbing Bubbles is the best cleaning product ever invented.

Sticky

2012-01-30T14:21:00.001-05:00

So, I had myself talked into the conclusion that I was going to cancel this morning's doctor appointment, based on the following:

My antidepressant would cost shitons until I reach my million dollar deductible.
I would be wasting my doctor's time.
Talking about depression is hard.
I sort of believe I don't deserve to be happy.

I took my kids to school, came home and dialed up the doc's office, prepared to cancel my appointment. Sat on hold forever. Then decided to screw it all, get a shower, and head to the appointment.

Because I was tired of being on hold.
Because I am tired of my life being on hold.
Because I want to feel decent.
Because I am not a quitter.

I'm very glad I went. I got to read a Better Homes and Gardens from February, 2011 and a Better Homes and Gardens from November, 2011. I got to hear a kid's video game music for 45 minutes. I got to discuss my state with a caring person who I respect and am so lucky to have in my life. I am going to go on a generic antid this time, Celexa, which will put me out FOUR DOLLARS a month. She also recommended therapists.

I felt better already, driving home. I did it even though I felt alone and it was hard. I was starting to accept that crap was how my life is, and that's just how it was going to be. But that's a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to stick to getting better, because that's what I do. I stick, motherfuckers, and you're just going to have to accept it.

I say the things you know you all think

2012-01-28T12:15:00.000-05:00

Public restroom usage is a necessity in life. I pride myself on the fact that I've come so far with regard to peeing/pooping in public. One of my earliest memories is that I had trouble using my very own grandmother's bathroom. For going number one. Like, I had to concentrate and reach a distant level of relaxation to urinate. Luckily, I grew to become more comfortable peeing in familiar places, but even as "recently" as high school, I know I had to have friends turn on the faucet in restrooms while on band trips to be able to effectively eliminate. Still talking number one.

As for number two, forget it. I am not kidding when I say I have been intensely uncomfortable pooping in public most of my life. Until I had my first child, that is. Honestly, I knew I didn't want to raise crazy little neurotic versions of myself, so I forced myself to be able to poop on most any toilet. (Also, I stopped obsessively washing my hands, allowed my fork to touch the table, and even stopped turning my restaurant napkin inside out before I used it.)

So, these days, I'm completely comfortable eliminating (one and two) basically in any restroom. Target? Check. Work? Check. Other people's homes? Yup. Even in gas station potties. Success. However, there is a certain amount of grossness about sharing a space with strangers to do poopy. I used to get a little embarrassed about any lingering odor my elimination caused. Then I was all, "well, everybody poops" and got over it. Other people's lingering odor is noted, but not offensive.

But. Ahem. Other lingering odor is a complete sore spot for me. I'm not talking about I-just-blew-up-the-bowl stuff, or period stuff (sorry, it happens). I'm talking about jesus-do-you-ever-wash-yourself odor. Dirty bum stuff. That smell lingers worse than any other. How can a woman go out in public without washing her special region for days? And worse, how can she go to work like that?

So you pee, you poop, you bleed...and you do it all in a happy little single-gender communal area. We share the experience and the remnants of the experience and it's not a big deal. But please - feel free to take a daily shower. Even every other day, I suppose. Or air that stuff out every once in a while. It's liberating and it benefits others.

End.

Day 65/365

2012-01-26T22:13:00.001-05:00

Day 65/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

What? I'm using a fork...

My heart hurts a little

2012-01-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

I miss my old home.
I miss my old couch.
I miss my old family.
I miss my old neighborhood.
I miss my old kitchen.
I miss not wanting to go to sleep at 9pm.
I miss being comfortable.
I miss feeling good about what I do.
I miss really good tacos.
I miss feeling wanted.
I miss feeling passionate about things.
I miss hugs.
I miss reading.
I miss the easy-going me.

Clean That Crap

2012-01-23T11:57:00.001-05:00

It's time to get my apartment in order. In order for what? I'm not sure. I don't love my apartment, I don't love the furniture and much of its content, but it is where we live. My life's not awesome, but I'd like to LIKE my environment somewhat and feel good about the state of what surrounds me. I know, little by little, my THINGS will improve, and this is hard for someone who is big on instant gratification. The events of the last few years have really taught me to adjust, to deal with what I've got, to adapt. All that said, I sort of live like a bachelor. It doesn't bother me completely, but I do get overwhelmed at times by disarray. And sometimes I'm just all "I can't stand this filth!" So, I'm going to start getting things in better order.

In the divorce, I lost the kids' toy bins. All of their toys ended up in a broken toy box in their room, and in a storage ottoman (which, in the old house used to serve as our "shoe box"). A couple of weeks ago, I spent money I don't have on a new toy bin structure thing just like the one we used to have. And Saturday, the kids and I purged the overflowing toy box in their room. Redistributed toys, trashed tiny items that had no purpose. There were some tears, but the toy box now houses only large items and the rest of the stuff now lives in the bin thing. Step one toward some sense of organization.

Today, I got sick of my kitchen. The kitchen, tiny as it is, is going to take some time to fix. But for now, I've tackled one thing: cleaning the coffee pot. Inside and out, the whole vinegar deal...that stuff takes time. And now, for real, after I publish this, I'm going to clean out the pot/pan under cabinet area. As in, get everything out. Wipe down the insides. Reorganize. Sounds simple, but that area is a mess. My ex used to hate how I stored these items, and I'm kind of starting to see why.

Probably not today, but very, very soon, I'm going to clean out the refrigerator. That's super huge, because the shelves are disgusting - particularly the bottom one that is decorated with spills of the past. But I have a handy scrub brush and a box of baking soda waiting.

Going to get this place in order if it kills me. Beginnings are hard, but sometimes you have to hike up your jeans and dig in. Updates to come...

Update:
HA! Did the pots/pans area AND the pantry. Also, cleaned the toaster, which is just the most disgusting small appliance ever. And discovered I have my sister's pyrex/lid dealio. Sorry, Amy! I didn't even realize.

Day 64.5/365

2012-01-22T12:24:00.001-05:00

Day 64.5/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

My monkey soup. The jacks are "ingredients."

Day 64/365

2012-01-22T12:23:00.001-05:00

Day 64/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

My waitress brought me some salad and soup. Her serving tray is a graduation cap.

Day 63.5/365

2012-01-22T12:18:00.003-05:00

Day 63.5/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

The apartment people cut several rectangles in the drywall to install a ceiling fan in the kids' room. Scary.

Day 63/365

2012-01-22T12:18:00.001-05:00

Day 63/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

The apartment people installed a ceiling fan in the kids' room.

Video Fun

2012-01-20T20:55:00.003-05:00

The kids and I love this video.

My ideal relationship. Ha.

2012-01-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

I read a blog post where a lady did this thing for her therapist where she described her ideal relationship. Meaning, partner-ish relationship. It got me thinking. I'm not sure I want a partner, but I guess it doesn't hurt to think about what he might seem like. Maybe I do want a partner...I'm not certain....mostly it's hard to think about, so this will be quite an exercise.

Scenario A:
Casual Commitment. This might be impossible. But this guy is completely into you, thinks you're the bomb...you share senses of humor, ideals, he likes kids and doesn't mind at all that you have them. He's super-awesome, but you need your distance, both physically and emotionally. Pretty much, this is the "I'd like to see you 2 - 3 days/week, plus one overnight" deal. And he's fine with that, because he wants a casually-committed relationship as well. I'm not sure what I mean by commitment, you see. Does it mean you don't see anyone else? Probably. Only thing is, I'm not sure I think monogamy is realistic, so it's something I'm unsure of. The big thing with this guy is: he doesn't smother you. He doesn't want to control you, parent your kids, or insert himself in all parts of your being. If he wants to call you to see how you're doing, that's nice, but he can't get put-off if you don't text him on Thursday. And you have other friends who are male, and you're not going to stop being friends with them and that's just how it is. If your garbage disposal gets clogged, though, he would totally drop it all to help you out. Also, he's awesome in bed.

This is hurting my head.

Scenario B:
MorphoMan. Someone who is good at A turns into someone you might want to live with. But then there's the whole kid thing. I might not think monogamy is realistic, but this guy HAS to be committed to your kids. He's not their father, nor does he want to be. But he's obviously going to be a regular person in their lives, and kids crave stability, so that's where the commitment comes in. If you live with him, you share expenses, but in no way combine finances. Somehow there's a balance of give and take, but he's not going to tell you how to manage your money (unless you ask) and you're not going to control how much he spends on video games. Since you live together, he has to understand that you-time is your time. This is probably tricky. Don't ask me - I have no idea how to have a successful relationship.

Either way, the guy has to want to fix you dinner and be ok at killing spiders. He has to be confident enough to not be intimidated by your brilliance, but not some cocky asshole, either. I'm not sure what the specs are look-wise, but let's just say attraction has to be present. Like initially. Attraction shouldn't be a thing that develops. I guess finding someone who is right for you equals finding someone you can be totally comfortable with....but not toooooo comfortable (I think I did this in my marriage and effed everything up). The respect has to be overwhelming.

I'm definitely not desperately seeking a dude. I miss companionship more and more lately, so I'm not as stubbornly closed off to the idea of a relationship as I used to be. There are still lots of questions, confusion, and what-ifs. I have no idea about most of this and don't even want to try to figure it all out. I guess I'm saying if something happens, hooray. If not, whatev. I'm highly doubtful any reasonable guy would get involved with this mess.

My head still hurts.

Day 62/365

2012-01-14T19:59:00.001-05:00

Day 62/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Lukulele

Day 61/365

2012-01-14T19:50:00.001-05:00

Day 61/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Don't understand how he does this...

In which I am old and perceived to be menopausal

2012-01-06T16:44:00.001-05:00

So, I went to the doctor today (have been sick, fainted this morning, but the fainting was likely a fluke and now have meds) and the nurse who took my vitals asked me if I'm still having periods. What? Of course I am! I am only 36 and 11 months. OMG, is it time to be looked upon as middle aged? I'm not ready to be chucked into the menopause category. The scale said nice things, though.

I'm feeling pretty good (despite the sinus pressure and low grade fever) about the steps I'm taking medically. I passed out and didn't let it go. Got it checked out to be sure. Made my annual gyno appointment. Made an appointment with my regular doctor to talk about getting back on the crazy meds. Ready to take charge of that mess.

Decided that since I'm tired of drifting through life, it's up to me to effect the change. Nothing's going to just happen to me to make things better...it's a series of things I need to work on for myself.

Go me.

Thoughtful, fully-intended poem

2012-01-04T22:44:00.003-05:00

I tasted my tear
As it accidentally
Rolled into my mouth
As I yawned
And it tasted...
Like a tear

Why I dig Scrubs

2012-01-04T21:56:00.000-05:00

"It felt weird not going to my normal table -- especially on Palm Pilot Synchronization Day...."

- J.D.

Day 60/365

2012-01-03T14:14:00.001-05:00

Day 60/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

One night, I was lying under the Christmas tree.

Day 59/365

2012-01-03T14:12:00.001-05:00

Day 59/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Angel is happy.

Product fun

2012-01-01T11:42:00.001-05:00

Well, this is wild. Intriguing. Interesting. Bizarre. Except I don't wear knickers.

A completely new way of waking: Little Rooster

Fin

2012-01-01T09:09:00.001-05:00

This holiday season found me just going through the motions, for the most part. Kids traded illnesses, but were able to happily celebrate Christmas. My aunt passed away the night after Christmas. She's been sick for quite a while. Her funeral was Friday and it was super hard. It's my dad's sister, so of course her loss was compounded by memories of losing my dad...plus lots of memories of their lives. I worked yesterday on New Year's Eve, and was home in jammies and asleep by 8 o'clock. I woke up at 10:30 to use the restroom and that's the last I recall of 2011.

But, man, I had some crazy dreams last night. First, it was just about the end of the world (I guess) and I was confused as to why. I learned that between 1977 and 1990, Coca Cola had made their product with unfiltered water and now we were all paying the price. Apparently, everyone was about to die as a result....and this brought mass chaos, as well as fire-orange skies.

Then I was at some sort of geek convention in a high school gym. There were some people I went to high school with there, as well as a couple people I work with. I met a guy, sat with him, liked him, but didn't know his name. He got up to use the restroom, said he'd be right back, but never returned. I looked for him, but wasn't able to find him. Then I learned I hadn't paid my fee for the convention.

Finally, I dreamed of work. Of P2 tickets, of me messing them up, of some unknown person explaining to me what I did wrong.

That's all I got. This is how you party Holiday Style.

Arlenness

2011-12-23T22:20:00.001-05:00

So, like a week ago, Netflix suggested I might like a film called The Go-Getter. It was an okay movie...not a total waste of my time. It features an actor named Lou Taylor Pucci, who embarks on a road trip in a stolen car to find his brother, Arlen. The movie was just okay, but the actor intrigued me. So, I found another film he's in, called The Answer Man, which I totally dug. Chickie feelgood stuff. Anyway, The Answer Man featured Jeff Daniels, who plays a character named Arlen Faber. I watched it twice. Then I looked up Lou Taylor Pucci on IMDb, and learned that another film he's in, Brotherhood, stars an actor named Arlen Escarpeta. I haven't watched that one yet. But the Arlen connection is notable, if not bizarre.

The dashboard melted but we still have the radio

2011-12-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

Blah, blah, blah, you must know about the mundane things.

I just had a marathon present wrapping session. All Santa gifts wrapped, plus the kids' gifts from me. And gifts for my niece. Still need to wrap some others, and here's a scary fact: still need to buy some others. When? Good question, since I work all day tomorrow, Christmas Eve, and have a family party tomorrow night. Um....can you say poor planning? Well, that plus haven't had the money to buy them. Whine, sob, cry - I know.

I am listening to Christmas music, because that's what you're supposed to do when you wrap. Currently up is a Michael Buble holiday album deal, and on comes a duet between him and Shania Twain. And I almost vomited. Maybe she's ok to some people, but to me, she sounds like a mountain lion caught in a giant trap. In this song at least. Skip.

I switched to Modest Mouse.

Maybe because I typed "trap" and my mind automatically went to "mouse."

I'm training a new guy at work. He's got a big white beard and says that when kids point at him and say, "Santa!" he winks and gives them a smile. He said just a little bit of effort on his part brings great joy to the children. Isn't that sort of awesome?

Famous Last Words

2011-12-22T23:27:00.002-05:00

And then she said, "I shall watch Scrubs until I fall asleep."

This is a bunch of crap, so you probably shouldn't read it

2011-12-21T19:26:00.002-05:00

Big warning: WARNING.

Might get untidy.

I'm crying a lot lately. I'm also having headaches, and very itchy skin. I'm sort of a mess.

I'm not sure why chicks hold onto ideas so tightly. I am super-duper mourning the loss of my family lately. I can't stop thinking about what I had and how different it was from what I currently have. To be clear: I am not mourning the loss of my husband. I am hurting because the idea is dead. I have been thinking, what if he decided one day he wants me back? Would I do that so that my children could be happy? Both boys mention regularly that they wish our family was still together. Would I do that to make that old idea of family a reality again?

And the answer is no. No way. I have interactions with my ex, and I just don't see it. I mean, I know it was there back in the day. But who he is today? Not my cup of tea. And I'm pickier than shit. I wouldn't do it even for the kids. And I know this, and I understand this and I still miss the idea, and still hold onto those pieces. My old pieces get me nowhere; they are just rotting inside me and melting parts of me away. I see this, and I still am holding on and I can't seem to make myself let go, and I don't understand why.

And it makes me angry that I'm behaving this way, and it makes me sad that I'm being so unreasonable and I can feel myself falling and I wonder how long I've been acting this way. I wonder when understanding I need to stop will transform to just stopping.

Day 58/365

2011-12-17T20:42:00.001-05:00

Day 58/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

More from the laundry room...

(not mine)

Day 57/365

2011-12-16T21:25:00.001-05:00

Day 57/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Self portrait, via mobile phone

Maybe closed

2011-12-08T22:43:00.001-05:00

We try, and we fail. We might have preconceived ideas of what is ideal. We might look past those ideas and attempt to be open minded. But when the other person is bashing another couple for holding hands in public and mockingly saying "go ahead and hold hands...because it's forever" rather than saying "go ahead and hold hands...because it's tonight" then you might know that this person is on a different page than you are. A whole different scary level. When you feel like you might be more comfortable at home, drinking wine in your PJ bottoms and your comfy Cleveland Indians t-shirt than drinking wine at the bar in your show-off-your-awesome-body outfit, that is when you know it's time to say goodnight. So, goodnight. And good night. No reason to step outside the comfort zone, when that place is far from what you know. I mean, yeah, different from what you know, yet close to what you know is cool. But on the other end of your reality? Nope. No thanks. Call me closed-minded, fine. Perfectly fine with that.

Day 56/365

2011-11-30T20:14:00.001-05:00

Day 56/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

So, I had a load of laundry that was ready to be transferred to a dryer. One was mid-cycle and the other was full of microfiber towels that had been sitting idle for at least 45 minutes. Because I'm not an asshole, I folded them. It took a long time. Never in my life have I seen so much microfiber in one place!

Day 55/365

2011-11-29T21:29:00.001-05:00

Day 55/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Bitches are hardcore

It has Hollywood written all over it

2011-11-28T14:19:00.001-05:00

I want to write a screenplay where a chick who is a meteorologist has two guys in her life: Guy #1 is also a meteorologist and is a lot like her. They get along great, have good times - but he is distant, so not quite right for her. Then Guy #2, the aircraft mechanic, is a lot different from her and not typically her type, but they have explosive chemistry and passion and he shows her great amounts of affection. But they don't have much else in common, so he's not quite right for her, either. So, she sets out to invent the perfect man for her IN ROBOT FORM. Because you know that's never been done before in film. So, she works day and night, perfecting the formula for her perfect manbot, tracking down parts, tools, and experts to assemble this thing. It finally comes together and her perfect man is finished. Except she doesn't like him! He's too giving and smothery - not to mention mechanical - and she is devastated. And then...lo and behold...she meets a real human-man who is completely different from Guy #1, Guy #2 or The Manbot! And HE is perfect for her. And they live happily ever after. Think it would sell?

Struggle, struggle

2011-11-28T13:08:00.001-05:00

Basically I've done that a lot recently. I struggle with challenging myself, I think. Stepping outside of safe and comfortable...being brave on my own accord, and not because I'm being forced to. It would be easy just to do what I'm told, to not have to make the decision to branch out and do hard stuff on my own. Or would it? I don't know? I don't have anyone to tell me what to do, so it's up to me. Even if I did have someone to direct me, that stubborn inner me would likely pop out and yell, "don't tell me what to fucking do!"

And so, I'm trying new things, taking new approaches. Little bit. Not a whole ton. I'm completely unsure of most everything, but I'm not going to let it stop me. I'm going to keep trying until I get it right, or at least get it better. Or become confident. At which point I will be back to comfortable and feel safe all over again. Then what?

Life is confusing!

Back in Black (and white)

2011-11-27T17:16:00.001-05:00

Day 54/365

2011-11-25T22:24:00.001-05:00

Day 54/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Kids had a dance party last night. While the two Cs were jump, jive, and wailing, I looked over and saw this. Sometimes the music moves you.

P.S. First shot in RAW. Have no idea what I'm doing with the editing.

Everybody's being thankful

2011-11-23T13:37:00.001-05:00

Everyone else is doing it, so I don't want to. However, it's a good exercise to put yourself in a more positive space. I am thankful....

Even though my laptop hinge is suddenly broken and I can't close it without metal and plastic scraping and the monitor threatening to break right on off, I am thankful for my computer and the internet. My portal to the world. Where I read, learn, communicate, play, chat, maintain friendships.

Thanksgiving. The holiday. It's not really that meaningful to me...I'm kind of a believer of showing thanks and loving and appreciating family all the live long year, so one day I can generally take or leave. I'd be perfectly fine spending this holiday working or cloistered up alone in my apartment. But this year, I'm off work, have the kids, and will be joining my family for The Feast. I am thankful for Thanksgiving: The Feast. The Turkey. Oh, the turkey...I'm getting a little tingly just thinking about it.

Though I'm admittedly part-man, and have accepted my tomboy tendencies, I am thankful for the aspects of me that are feminine. In practice, my footwear is all about function...but I can appreciate a cute pair of shoes. I have some good curves that lend to looking soft and lovely, and I like that. I have feelings, and even though I despise them at times, I'm glad to be a person who can emote. I like pretty painted toenails. I like girly films, inspirational stories, and all that junk makes me cry.

These kids are awesome. They explain things to me like I'm completely unable to comprehend. It's awesome and makes me smile, even when I'm in a grumpy mood. I'm thankful that Cam understands quirky, dry humor. I love that Luke gets excited about photography and that he wants to take care of us all. Claire is just enthusiastic about everything, thinks I'm the shiz, and is a spunky little thang. I'm especially thankful that they all have unique personalities and aren't little robots, or worse - little punkasses.

I'm thankful for my many talents: speaking out of turn, unintentionally offending, placing toilet paper on the holder properly, extreme dishwasher loading, managing not to run out of gas even when the fuel indicator is on, spelling, brushing teeth, caring about others, hugging, observing, being open-minded, typing, finding humor, indulging, and cursing.

Also thankful that I have the power to stop writing about being thankful right now.

Dear Fiscally-Conservative Santa,

2011-11-22T00:40:00.001-05:00

THIS.

Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II Camera Lens

I invented a new word last night: Titish

2011-11-20T13:35:00.001-05:00

Group photo shoot last night. Was excited about it, but got there and about had a panic attack. Listen, I can't shoot indoors. If I have natural light, I am good to go. But ANYONE CAN SHOOT IN NATURAL LIGHT. Because it's easy. My lens is a kit lens, but it's flipping awesome in the sunlight. Somehow, my outdoor shots are a step above goodish. Don't know why...my photog friend attributes my success to post-processing, but honestly, I don't do much in the Photoshop. I just get lucky. But indoor is the suck.

Last night was honestly my first time shooting indoors sans good light. And you know what? My camera couldn't handle it. Scratch that...my lens couldn't handle it. Little guy only lets so much light in, and I really can't do much more to improve upon it. I took like a bazillion pictures last night, and I'm going over them today. I have four folders: blah, crap!, maybes, and keepers. The keepers are ones I know I can work with. The maybes are iffy....good captures, but bad lighting. The blahs are just those candid moments where you're clicking away and you catch your model with her mouth wide open. The crap! ones are SO BAD....like, a three-year-old walked by, grabbed your camera, and pressed the button randomly. Yup.

So, on the positive side, I know I got some good stuff. I know I learned some lessons (one: shoot in RAW, just do it, do it, do it. two: make the super-awesome lens a priority.) I am glad to have gotten practice in. I mean, first time shooting indoors without natural light, right? Keep trying, I will.

That's all for now. Back to moving pics to their respective folders. Then processing. Then going to Target when the kids get here. :)

Things bother me

2011-11-15T08:42:00.001-05:00

So, yeah, things are bothering me.

Yeah, I know if something is not right in your life, you should make a change (or changes) to improve the situation. Easy said. Hard do. There are several items that I need to either adjust my attitude about or actually take steps to improve.

List them, think about them, make decisions.

I am so freaking lazy. I need to budget and figure out what needs to get paid and when. Only issue is money needing to go out exceeds money currently coming in. I still have not received my divorce settlement. My attorney wasn't going to file for it until I paid her off, but she agreed to go ahead and file without being paid as long as I pay her as soon as I receive the $$$. Which I think is fair. More than anyone, she knows my financial situation and I'd think should understand that I ain't got no money to pay her. So, apparently, if you aren't an upfront-paying client, your stuff gets pushed to the bottom of the priority list. Her partner has finally drafted the request, has sent it to the ex's attorney for approval (why? not sure, since it's exactly what was in the divorce decree), but has not yet heard back from the ex's attorney. After that, it gets sent to his employer, and they give me the portion of the 401k I'm due. Sounds easy. Is not. What more can I do to make this happen? I send weekly emails to my attorney's partner for updates.

What else...oh, my third grader won't turn in his homework. He works his butt off each night completing his work, but says he doesn't have time to turn it in during his morning routine at school. I can't turn it in for him. His teachers aren't going to hold his hand and make him do it. I'm at a loss. Also, he's hugely distracted at school. I met with his teachers last week, and they suggested having the school's psychologist come in and discreetly observe his actions compared to his peers', and then report back to us. His dad and I are completely aware that his mind wanders frequently. Not sure what to do on this one, either. Hopefully, the psychologist will have focusing techniques we can use to help him pay attention. In the back of my mind is the big ADD elephant. This has never been suggested to us, but I feel it coming. And I have a preconceived dislike for medicating for ADD. But that's the result of working with school age kids like 16 years ago. Where I saw kids medicated for ADD sitting around like zombies. I obviously don't want that for my son....but I also need to realize that was 16 years ago, and medications change and therapies change, so I need to force my mind to be open on the matter.

I can't stand when people chew with their mouths open and I don't know how to make myself not care about it. People are going to do it, and disgusting as it is, I know I need to desensitize myself to it.

Back to me being lazy. I have creative energy. I want to write. I want to take pictures. Instead, I find myself sitting around and not doing those things. Or being too tired. I don't want to lose my zest for living. I want to keep going, keep finding the interesting, put the energy to use. (I get to do the photo thing this weekend, yay!) However, I think one of the things that keeps me from actively creating is that it will begin to feel like A JOB. A chore. I want to keep it positive...not another task. Which is why I slack so much on blog entries and picture-taking. There's a balance, I know...I just need to find it.

More and more, it's bothering me that I don't have anyone in my life (a partner, I guess) to share things with. That I no longer have a mom/dad/kids family. But, I am pretty sure that's not possible right now. I'm pretty sure I don't want that right now. It's confusing: I truly don't want a relationship with a dude or a stand-in daddy for my children, but I like the idea of it. So why do I waste so much time worrying about what's missing if I am not even open to filling that spot? Confounded.

Wow, that exercise was exhausting! Bothersome. ;)

Day 53/365

2011-11-10T22:26:00.001-05:00

Day 53/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Pop goes the lolly goes the lolly goes pop.

Day 52/365

2011-11-10T22:20:00.001-05:00

Day 52/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

It won't be long until they're all cold and naked. And then what will I get to take pictures of while squatting awkwardly on my balcony?

Day 51/365

2011-11-10T22:12:00.001-05:00

Day 51/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Grocery list. May have missed one.

The good things

2011-11-09T19:36:00.001-05:00

I have a little bit of sushi, a little bit of wine, 30 Rock, a clean kitchen, laundry going, dishes washing, and I survived the workday! Woo! What's next?

Day 50/365

2011-11-08T09:34:00.001-05:00

Day 50/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

I think I need a new job.

Sunday.

2011-11-06T14:51:00.001-05:00

Having a Netflix stream in your home is very conducive to your obsessive tendencies. Watching whole runs of tv shows rocks. I mean, you know, 4+ episodes a night, every night for weeks on end. So far, I've busted through The IT Crowd, The Office, Twin Peaks, Weeds, Arrested Development, and am now reliving 30 Rock from the beginning. That Tina Fey is pretty awesome.

Today's been super-lazy. I could go grocery shopping, but that's hard. I could clean the apartment, but that's boring (actually, I'll likely do a quick pickup/wipedown here in a bit). I really should do laundry, but I'll save that for tonight. Because nighttime is the righttime for laundry. I did get a shower and I did take out the trash, so that's pretty impressive. Get the kids around 4pm, which is really awesome. I pretty much have no purpose when they're not around, other than working and watching tv. Which really sounds sad, but it's sort of cool to realize that you like having your kids around.

I think I need projects and motivation.

The November Soup Challenge

2011-11-03T23:26:00.001-04:00

I've decided November is Soup Month. It's a good month for soup and comfort and warmth. I am going to make at least one soup-ish dish a week and share with you the recipe and results. Won't you join me?

Yeah, I'm an ass, too.

2011-11-03T20:34:00.001-04:00

So, I got emotional and upset and angry. I'm not oblivious to the fact that it takes two people to mess up a marriage. I'm not saying I was a fantastic wife. I look back and see what he must have seen. A depressed lady who wasn't a good stay-at-home mother. Someone who had let herself go physically and mentally. She wasn't unhappy being married, but he was unhappy being married to her, and that's important. I just hate the aftermath. What he did was dicky, but who she was was dicky, too. Should I keep my emotions to myself? Maybe, but I did that already and look where it got me!

Focusing on the present now. And cooking chili.

What you do matters

2011-11-02T18:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day.

Today, I'm just...just upset. My son broke my heart today. He said he wishes sometimes that the ex and and were still together, and that he wishes he hadn't been such a bad kid. He thinks he made it happen. I've been crying and crying ever since. I'm not sure any of my explaining helped. He's going to think what he thinks.

I'm just so angry at the ex all over again. So mad. You know, people who are unhappy in a situation make things work all the time. He didn't even try to make anything work. Why would you when the grass is greener on the other woman? (well, that's just ew, but still) So, go ahead, break my heart, make my life hell...that is fine. I am a strong lady, I'll get over it. And I have totally gotten over him. Like eons ago. But fuck with my kids? Your kids? Does he even see what he's done?

Such a dick. I could barely look him in the face tonight.

Wallowing for a while

2011-11-01T08:50:00.001-04:00

Yesterday caught me by surprise. It started out fine. I got the kids up, helped them get ready, packed lunches, and took them to school. Easy morning - no complaining, no fits over putting on socks, happy happy. I had the whole/day night to myself, since the ex had them for trick or treat. I did some cleaning and craploads of laundry. But as the day progressed, I found myself in a really crappy mood. Maybe it's because I wasn't getting the kids for Halloween. Into the evening, I had the whole I Feel Sorry For Myself/I'm Not Good Enough thing going on. Didn't feel like doing anything to make that better, so just decided to go to sleep.

Woke up bright and early today with a bit of a Self Pity hangover, but got started right away on folding the two tons of clean laundry that had been living on my bed for days. Finishing the cleaning I started yesterday. Got the coffee going. Starting to feel better. Have lots to be thankful for and I know deep down I'm good enough for practically anything. Maybe I needed a day yesterday to absorb all the bad stuff and just wallow in it.

The past week+ has been riddled with loss...in my family, in friends' families. Also remembering past losses. That shit catches up with you. I'd like to be able to comfort my friends and family. I'd like to be able to comfort myself. But that stuff is just something you have to live through.

Today, I get to visit with a good friend and then pick my kids up from school. I miss 'em. I'm sure I'll get awesome recounts of their trick or treat experience over dinner. I have cool Halloween lollipops for them. I have already decided I'm asking my sister if we can trick or treat with her family next year. Onward!

Here's to a feeling-good Tuesday. Man, this coffee is good.

Day 49/365

2011-10-30T12:58:00.001-04:00

Day 49/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Rules.

Proud Mom Moment

2011-10-29T20:28:00.000-04:00

"Look at how big this booger is, Mom!"

I'm glad my oldest son is excited about his accomplishments.

Inside

2011-10-26T11:47:00.000-04:00

This morning on the way to school, Luke was telling me about some books he wants to get from the library. They read one in his kindergarten class, and he was excited to tell me that at the end, there's a page where the author talks about what he was thinking when he wrote the story. I was like, "that's pretty cool, seeing inside the writer's mind." Claire piped up and said she will tell me what's going on in her mind:

Princesses and monkeys. The monkeys chase the princesses all around.

She's a pretty awesome kid.

Some things going through my mind:

Today is a sad, strange day. It's my Aunt Helen's funeral and also the seventh anniversary of my dad's death. I wonder how things would be if he were still here. What would he think of the disarray my life's become? Would he feel sorry for me or tell me to get it together? Would he be healthy, seven years after a bone marrow transplant, or would he be fragile? Would he like spending time with my kids? Would he request that I make him a banana cream pie? Would we listen to albums and go to doo wop concerts together? Would he let me take photos of him? Would our stubborn personalities still clash? Would he want to change my oil and check my brake fluid level?

I worry about my sister and my mom. I'm somehow The Strong One, but I question my ability to be supportive. If I offer a hug, will if feel strange to them? If I say I'm sad, will they think I'm going to break down into a blubbery mess?

I'm participating in a photo shoot this Saturday night with The Photographer Who Makes Women Look Amazing. Model participation is tricky. Hard to know who's going to show. I'm still getting my hopes up. I need the practice and I rarely get the chance to shoot indoors, since I have no lighting equipment of my own. If you're interested in modeling, please let me know. We are casual, comfortable, and laid back and dig all personalities, shapes, and looks. Shoot will be south of Dayton, OH.

I'm getting ready to download The Pioneer Woman's free Photoshop actions. I've not done it to this point because it scares me. I take a photo and mess around with it in Photoshop...rather minimally. But what I do to it comes from my mind, from my fingers. Not a one-click set of actions created by someone else. Kinda, each picture I take is my painting and I sort of want the finishing touches to be my own. However, all that said, why not try her actions out? Might be fun. Might learn little tricks or different ways to tell a story. It's FREE!

I've been thinking a bit about sense of family lately. Sometimes I get envious of other families...families with a mom and a dad and kids who live together and do family things and support one another. Sometimes I miss that family feeling. I liked being married and having our family. I wonder if I understood how it feels to lose that, if I would have taken my family for granted a lot less. Neither here nor there, it's in the past. I'm pretty damn lucky to have experienced that. Sort of related to the family thing, some nights I get the "ooh, it would be nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching Arrested Development with an awesome guy" pang. But then I think of all the things that go with having that kind of guy around. The commitment, the answering to someone else, the thought of letting that person down, the thought of being let down by that person, the fact that he can't remember what you told him five times....get what I'm saying? Yeah, I think I'm good snuggling up with my laptop to watch quirky tv comedies.

Monkeys chasing princesses....crazy.

Day 48/365

2011-10-23T15:44:00.001-04:00

Day 48/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Happy Fall from my spawn!

Dear Santa,

2011-10-23T13:50:00.001-04:00

This.

Tamron AF 28-75mm f/2.8 SP XR Di LD Aspherical (IF) for Canon Digital SLR Cameras

Day 47/365

2011-10-19T21:52:00.001-04:00

Day 47/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Bear

Lyrics I Like

2011-10-19T19:35:00.003-04:00

You call me a mountain
And I call you the sea
I'll stand tall and certain
And watch you swallow me

You can move me if you want to
You can move a mountain, you can move a mountain
You can move me if you want to
You can move everything, you can move everything

I will grow my own trees
While you follow the moon
I feel you in my knees
Say you'll come in soon

But then one day you'll go away, but I will too
But until then, oh my darling friend, well I will hold
Yes I will hold, yes I will hold
Yes I will hold on to you ...

Mountain and the Sea - Ingrid Michaelson

BlabberBlog

2011-10-18T11:20:00.000-04:00

I changed the look of my blog because Blogger coerced me into doing so. Well, they tempted me with easy templates and zero work, and I thought this looked simple (which I dig), yet sort of toasts the season (Fall = orange, you know), so woo...change.

Feel like I have a lot to talk about and equally feel I have little focus or desire to organize, so BlabberBlog you get. Sleep last night was irregular. Laid down to snuggle with Cam at kids' bedtime. Which led to all four of us chatting about pretty much everything. Which is ok, because it was an early bedtime for whatever reason last night. There was a bath towel hanging on the doorknob and Claire said it looked like a ghost. I offered that even ghosts need to get clean, so perhaps it was a ghost with a towel draped over it. Which led to a serious discussion about how ghosts might bathe. I think it was decided that they use spiderwebs for water and then use the spiders for bodywash. Which makes perfect sense - I'm certain ground-up spiders have a nice, crunchy exfoliating texture.

I wound up crashing in Cam's bed until, I dunno, close to 11:30ish, then was wide awake and ready to play Words With Friends and have adult discussions about taking photos and looking at photos and photos we wish we were taking. And my dear friend got to listen to me go on about what I used to have and how dumb I am now. Because I choose to surround myself with sensible friends, he in turn instructed me to live in the now, which was a good punch in the face that I totally needed.

Around 3:30ish, Claire stumbled out and informed me that she wants me and then requested that I sleep on her floor. Being a parent who indulges, and knowing that getting ready for the morning was not that far off, I submitted and made my bed on the floor next to Claire's bed, laid down, and immediately my right hip went numb. I love floor-sleeping.

So, it's not like I didn't get a fair amount of sleep last night...it's just that it was disjointed, quality-less sleep. After school drop-off, I debated just heading back to sleep, but decided to coffee it up, conquer some laundry, and look at what are supposed to be arty photos.

The internet is brimming with so-called artists. They set up their websites - some polished and professional with links that work; some polished and professional with links that don't work; some really really tacky; some that my 6-year-old could design - and slap on the galleries. A whole bunch of the photos of couples, weddings, toddlers, and high school seniors are cliche and uninspired. Some are sort of cool. Some are close to amazing. It's a tricky thing though: a lot of these folks do this to make money. It's a job. They're gonna take the photos the client wants. And most people don't know what they want, so they just copy every other common pose/setting that already exists.

That stuff bores me. I don't want that to be my main focus. I think I'm in this more for the fulfilling hobby aspect than the ~let me capture your special moments~ aspect. I'm not a special moments-hater. I took pics of my niece for her third birthday and enjoyed the shooting and processing a lot. I took Diana and Talmadge's photos recently and had fun with that as well. My first couple shoot. But really, I think I'd like to focus on arty model-esque work. Like, you - common person - model for me and let me capture your emotions. I admit to preferring women, because they look better than men if they take their clothes off. Yep, if you decided to take your clothes off, to whatever degree you're comfortable, I'd like that. I'm pretty certain the human body is amazing, and I think artistic nudes or artistic suggestive portraits are beautiful. I'd like that to be my focus. That sprinkled with cute babies and families and trees and junk like that.

So, with that in mind...

Calling all Common People Models: ~let me capture your special moments!~

Day 46/365

2011-10-18T00:58:00.001-04:00

Day 46/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Framey

Your talent is in there!

2011-10-16T01:23:00.001-04:00

My downstairs neighbor has a beautiful voice. My other neighbor plays cello beautifully. One of my best friends takes the most amazing photos of women you will ever see. Everything around me is beautiful. Which leads me to wonder where my place is? I don't really do anything beautifully. I'm ok at lots of stuff. I'm ok at taking pictures. I probably have a good eye or whatever. I used to be able to play clarinet semi-well. I can do my job decently. I can write okay. I'm super-good at loading a dishwasher. But what do I do in a beautiful manner? No singing voice to speak of. I'm not that great at the mom thing...I'm just pretty all right at that. I admit I can follow a recipe well, especially where baked goods come into play. But I don't have a special talent. I wish I could make lovely music, take awesome photos, say amazing things that inspire people...but that's not happening. Instead, I watch others be excellent. I observe excellence. I am good at observing! I'm a beautiful observer. Maybe that's not as point-outable as the beauty that surrounds me, but it's something. I'm pretty damn good at taking things in. I'm great at absorbing my surroundings. Anyone need a world-class observation artist?

Sweetest Day Is So Sweet

2011-10-15T21:18:00.000-04:00

For Sweetest Day this year, I got to celebrate massive stomach expulsion at work. And my period. And now, I get to hang out with the sweetest person I have the pleasure to know....me. Happy Sweetest Day. It's the best one yet!

Day 45/365

2011-10-14T19:46:00.001-04:00

Day 45/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Sweet moment with Diana and T.

Day 44/365

2011-10-11T14:32:00.001-04:00

Day 44/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Diana & T at Sawyer Point....my current favorite shot from the day.

Training Time

2011-10-07T21:19:00.000-04:00

I got my first bra in the 4th grade and totally didn't need it. My best friend and I planned to ask for them at the same time, and our moms ended up taking us to the JC Penney on like consecutive nights to get them. The third day, we put them on under our white YMCA day camp t-shirts and strutted around the neighborhood showing off. We were idiots.

Day 43/365

2011-09-28T19:08:00.001-04:00

Day 43/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Do you like my socks?

Day 42/365

2011-09-27T14:05:00.001-04:00

Day 42/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

That's my girl.

Misophonia

2011-09-27T10:29:00.001-04:00

Oh my god, I have this.

Read this article about misophonia, where the sounds of other people eating — chewing, chomping, slurping, gurgling — can send sufferers into an instantaneous, blood-boiling rage.

New York Times article on misophonia

Thanks to Camilla at The Lead Paint Cookbook for sharing this link.

Day 41/365

2011-09-26T02:06:00.001-04:00

Day 41/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Cold Saturday at work

Day 40/365

2011-09-23T23:30:00.001-04:00

Day 40/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Day 39/365

2011-09-22T21:43:00.001-04:00

Day 39/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

I'm told it's nerdy cuteness that I need to share with the world.

Day 38/365

2011-09-21T20:28:00.001-04:00

Day 38/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Happy feelings

Her words are worth a thousand pictures

2011-09-20T10:35:00.000-04:00

Last night, I was at the table helping Cam with his homework. Claire wanted to work, too, so she drew me a picture. She described it:

That's my hand.
That is you, and that is bombs coming out of you.
Bombs.
You.
Will you hang it up in your room?

Day 37/365

2011-09-20T00:11:00.001-04:00

Day 37/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

It got rainy today.

Day 35 photo

2011-09-18T11:02:00.001-04:00

So, like, I'm pretty certain all of us get our feelings hurt. I'll bet you cry. For two hours or whatever, you feel extremely upset. It's just that probably you don't take a picture of it. I was just being real. My 365 is supposed to represent my life, and that was part of it. I'm not crying right now. I'm not even sad right now. However, like the pic from the other night, I'm not wearing makeup right now, so in that respect, I still look pretty bad. ;)

Day 36/365

2011-09-17T20:11:00.001-04:00

Day 36/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Shoes sure look different these days.

Day 35/365

2011-09-16T00:49:00.001-04:00

Day 35/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

"Hey, guess what? I have feelings, ass." Much harder to share than my nudey pics.

Don't foget me when I'm gone

2011-09-15T22:08:00.000-04:00

The other day, this song came on the radio as I was driving my kids home from school. I cranked it up and belted out every lyric, with meaning. Later, I was scolded: "Mom, everyone in all the other cars was looking at us!"

My work here is done.

Day 34/365

2011-09-15T19:47:00.001-04:00

Day 34/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Perspective

90's Flowchart

2011-09-14T13:39:00.000-04:00

via xkcd

Dreams!

2011-09-10T17:25:00.000-04:00

via xkcd

Day 33/365

2011-09-08T21:28:00.001-04:00

Day 33/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Like my beauty, my pile of tissues grows with time.

Pile of shit

2011-09-05T14:42:00.000-04:00

Today sucks because I am feeling icky. My head is holding a crapload of snot, so it feels like it weighs at least 57 pounds. My neck is sore and stiff and I don't know if it's due to the stress of supporting my 57-pound head, from a sudden case of spinal stenosis, a heart attack, or meningitis. Or if I just slept on it wrong.

In addition, my phone battery is dead, which is likely related to the meningitis, and my only charger is one of those plug-in-the-volty-thing-in-the-car chargers.

The kids are tired and cranky, despite having slept the same 12-hour duration as I did last night, so they are being forced to nap...which is apparently the equivalent to water boarding.

My internet connection is dreadfully slow today, perhaps due to the 1,800 simultaneous games of Words With Friends going on via Facebook, in which each of them I am losing.

I think a long, hot bath is in order for me. Also, I need to fill up my van later, so maybe the gas fumes will clear my head a bit. And, we're off to visit my sister in a bit, so family time may take our minds off of all that ails us.

See, I'm solutionary.

There's always a silver lining in a pile of shit.

In support of masturbation

2011-08-31T19:56:00.007-04:00

No one talks about this stuff, so I will. Targeting mainly the ladies, since I'm a lady and can only suppose what guys experience...but I think guys can gain a certain amount of knowledge from purusing this list as well.

1. Masturbating helps you to understand your sexuality. You explore, find things that make you hum, and kapow! New knowledge.

2. Masturbating is good alone time. You are free to do your thing without expectations and in your own time. You don't have to worry about how your belly flab looks, if armpit stubble has grown throughout the day, what sorts of faces you may or may not be making, whether your noises are too noisy (or too quiet), etc, etc, etc.

3. Masturbating helps you have better sexy time with a partner! You know what feels mighty fine alone, right? Hey, gently and kindly show your partner what to do. Verbally, that's fine....but if your partner's a dude, I can almost guarantee he'll dig it most if you demonstrate for him.

4. Masturbation feels good. Feeling good is a positive thing. Go, dopamine!

5. Masturbation is awesome stress-relief. An easy, simple, free method of practicing relaxation. Go, oxytocin and endorphins!

6. In some cases, masturbation is a fantastic sleep-aid. No medications required. All-natural remedy.

7. If you use lube, it is a fantastic time to multi-task and moisturize your already-dry pre-Autumn hands.

8. If you use an electric-powered device, it is a useful way to test electric outlets throughout your home.

9. If it's been pounded into your brain since childhood that self-love is wrong (which, we intelligent people know, is completely false...in fact self-love is totally natural and healthy) you can take that dirty/deviant feeling and pretend you are risqe and anti-establishment. You will touch yourself no matter what the man says!

10. So, it's been noted that masturbation can help to aleviate depression. But I assume this is the case with very mild forms of depression. Much like excercise supposedly helps to make people less-depressed. (Can you tell I'm skeptical on this one?)

11. Masturbating can help raise your self-esteem. When you treat yourself well, you generally feel better about yourself. And when you feel better about yourself, gosh darnit, you feel worthy and project positivity.

12. Masturbating can cause others to regard you more positively! Not saying you should like go into work and start a self-lovin' session or anything. Not at all. But, when your self-esteem is high and you're projecting all kinds of competence and self-respect, people tend to treat you as such. Many people with healthy self-esteem are regarded as valuable....WAY TO GO, MASTURBATION!

13. I'm going to go on record by saying masturbation is a form of exercise. Heart rate is elevated, muscle groups are worked, and depending on your masturbatory style, it can be quite an abdominal workout. If you are a chick and are big on tension orgasms, you know what I'm talkin' about. Also, that orgasm does wonders to strengthen your pelvic floor. And a strong pelvic floor = a strong mind, right? Ok, maybe not, but bladder control is pretty rawkin' awesome.

14. Masturbation has been proven to lower blood pressure and it is said that orgasms and help to reduce swollen nasal vessels. Ok. Sure....breathing is a good thing.
15. Masturbating to orgasm is beneficial if you're working on a girly infection, ladies. Orgasm helps to flush the old bacteria from your cervix, since that puppy opens a bit during orgasm. Also, the mucous produced during arousal and orgasm gets pulled into the cervix, allowing for a rise in acidity in cervical fluid...which in turn increases good/friendly bacteria in there. It's like a happy bacteria exchange, where in the end, you win. And win.
16. It's fun.

Have I convinced you yet? Seriously, get in that bedroom or shower and get to the good-feeling. Love yourself. And then report back to me. ;)

Day 32/365

2011-08-30T09:19:00.001-04:00

Day 32/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

And you think your day is rough?

Day 31/365

2011-08-30T09:18:00.001-04:00

Day 31/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Orange creme soda floats!

Day 30/365

2011-08-25T20:18:00.003-04:00

Day 30/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Visitor. When he landed here, he went SMACK!

Day 29.5/365

2011-08-25T20:18:00.001-04:00

Day 29.5/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Barely touched bubbles

Day 29/365

2011-08-25T20:17:00.001-04:00

Day 29/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Claire and bubs

How to clean your coffee maker

2011-08-21T01:43:00.002-04:00

From your balcony, go inside your apartment, and remember you need to get your clothes out of the dryer and switch the other stuff from the washer. Grab quarters and head downstairs to the laundry room. Run into your neighbor, who is hauling a giant basket of clean laundry up the stairs. He asks you, "Laundry day for you, too?" You reply, "Every day," and throw your arms up in a rock-n-roll fashion, because you are that cool. Scoop clothes from dryer to basket, being careful to not wad up the important stuff. Transfer stuff from washer to dryer. Encounter minor issue with red bra tangling itself with drawstrings of giant knit shorts. Encounter bigger issue with son's new-used kindergarten uniform shirt trailing super-long thread and wrapping around most every other item in washer. Somehow solve this problem and throw away what seems to be eleventy-seven feet of red thread. Finally head back upstairs with basket of laundry and dump it all on bed. Gather load of towels, go downstairs and put them in washer. Feed more quarters and it feels like you are feeding away your life. When you return to your apartment, remove clean coffee pot, lid and filter-holding accessory from dishwasher. Place filter in filter-holding accessory. Pour a bunch of white vinegar in pot. Fill the rest with tap water. Pour the vinegar-water concoction into the coffee maker, making sure to spill quite a bit of it onto the counter. But don't stop there: go all the way and cause a good amount of it to flow onto the cabinet drawer fronts and down onto your foot. Sop up mess, then turn on coffee maker. Listen to the vinegar-water brew and drip down into the pot. Pour another glass of girly pink sparkly wine and eat six bites of BLT pasta salad straight from the container. Take a break and come out to the balcony to listen to music and type away on the laptop. Think about Twin Peaks, and fire up the stream and watch 20 minutes of Season 2, Episode 10. Return indoors, dump out vinegar-water from pot and rinse pot with tap water several times. Remove filter from filter-holding accessory and marvel at the few coffee grounds visible, but imagine all the stuff ending in -scale that is probably also trapped in there. Throw away filter. Rinse filter-holding accessory. Fill pot with fresh tap water, and being super-careful not to spill much water this time, fill coffee maker. Start brewing. Head downstairs to retrieve still warm family clothing from dryer. Note that all three new-used kindergarten uniform shirts seem unharmed, despite thread incident reported earlier. Throw freshly-washed towels into dryer, breathing a heavy sigh of relief that this is the final step of the final load of the evening. Trudge back upstairs with clean clothes, note that water-water is still brewing, and head to the ladies room. After relieving, hand-washing and thinking "I should really clean this sink...again," revisit the kitchen. Open refrigerator door and marvel at all the food inside. Take a mental snapshot, because you realize that once your kids return to you tomorrow morning, the stockpile will quickly diminish. Pour another glass of pink sparkle, eat three more bites of BLT pasta salad from the container, then dump out pot full of water-water. Rinse pot 1.5 times and refill with fresh water. Spill shit-tons of it while pouring it into coffee maker. Realize you neglected to rinse filter-holding device and do so at this time. Clean up water from counter and start coffee maker. Go back outside and notice you have a text message! Get excited because people like you! Only it's an unrecognized number. Text exchange follows:

859---1277: Hey.
Me: Hello.
859---1277: U a girl?
Me: Am a raccoon.
859---1277: U a girl
Me: A girl raccoon.
859---1277: How old are u?
859---1277: U handicaped?
Me: I am likely old enough to be your mother and do not mock me form my mental issues.
859---1277: U ware a diaper?
859---1277: Can u be my mommy please?
Me: No thanks.
859---1277: Tex me.
859---1277: U know anybody that can?
Me: Try Craigslist. Good luck with your endeavors.

Get bored with freaky texting stranger and head back to the 'Flix, where Twin Peaks awaits. Watch several minutes of Season 2, Episode 10, then go inside to check on your coffee maker cleaning project. Empty pot of water, rinse pot and filter-holder, refill pot with fresh water, pour into coffee maker, and spill a fair amount. Clean up water and realize - not for the first time - that you would never make it as a server. Start coffee maker for the final water brew. Come back outside and realize your butt is numb from so much sitting, and that your towels are likely dry by now, but since you're pretty lazy, sit and think about how much you're looking forward to Autumn and how your hands are starting to get dry and itchy already. Then think about your friend who is having a good time, hopefully, at a photo shoot at this very moment. Feel excited for him and hope he gets great pictures. Be jealous. Return to Twin Peaks. Get excited because David Duchovny is in Episode 11, and pretend you haven't seen the series previously. Yawn, rub let eye, and realize you're getting tired. Then realize you should keep your fingers away from your eyes. Squint and blink several times. Go inside, dump out final pot of hot water. Wash pot, filter-holding accessory, and lid by hand. Wipe down all aspects of the coffee maker, using semi-soapy washcloth. Go to laundry room and retrieve towels, pausing at mailboxes on your way back upstairs. You think about about getting today's mail, but decide against it, since you know it's just more bills. Upon returning to the apartment, you immediately fold this load and the night's previous load of towels and put them away. You gaze with astonishment and with a feeling of accomplishment, at the fully stocked linen closet. Then you snicker when you realize, like so many other things, once your kids return to you tomorrow morning, the stockpile will quickly diminish. Pour the rest of the bottle of pink sparkle into your glass, knowing full well you will end up pouring most of it out when you go to bed. Vow to finish Episode 11. After about 20 minutes, move inside, because you're so tired, watch the rest of Episode 11 on the couch on the laptop and not the TV, since TV = sleep, and you really want to finish this episode. There you will likely fall asleep until the morning light peeks through your ugly vertical blinds. And that, my friends, is how to clean your coffee maker!

Day 28/365

2011-08-20T21:43:00.001-04:00

Day 28/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Another one for you to considering.

More color

2011-08-12T21:29:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting on my balcony, enjoying the lovely evening air - earbuds in, listening to some lovely tunes - when I hear a very loud voice. A guy is walking on the sidewalk below, talking on his cell phone: "I just got finished playing basketball...no! no! hey, listen: Hey ladies! Everyone hear me? All you beautiful girls! I'm talking to my girlfriend! My girlfriend of 10 years! My fiance, who I have three kids with. Are you happy now? Are you happy? All these ladies know. Oh no...oh no...don't hang up on me now! Don't hang up, oh no! See, what's fucked up is whenever you start drinking anything, you're all...." and then he descended out of earshot. Somebody's jealous. Of an asshole.

Oh wait, he's back! "Where the fuck am I going? I'm lost dude! I'm in the back parking lot. I'm lost. Turn left? Go back to the main street? The back street? Yeah!" And he disappears.

Color.

Day 27/365

2011-08-11T22:44:00.002-04:00

Day 27/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Pacify.

Day 26/365

2011-08-11T22:43:00.002-04:00

Day 26/365 RF_8x10_IMG_2482, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Beautiful Rowan

Day 25/365

2011-08-09T13:44:00.002-04:00

Day 25/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Rowan + Amy = Radiant

Day 24/365

2011-08-09T13:25:00.002-04:00

Day 24/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

Kickin' back

Day 23/365

2011-08-09T13:07:00.002-04:00

Day 23/365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

When rain and dirt collide

Grace

2011-08-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

Hold a cup of coffee
Coffee with a lid
Try to walk two feet
One foot gets tangled
Silly laptop cord
Silly flip flop
Spill the coffee
From the cup with a lid
Good thing it's not hot

I am so simple it burns

2011-08-08T00:10:00.002-04:00

And lazy. There are lunches to be made. Photography tips to be read (I am honored to get to photograph my niece for her 3-year-old pics tomorrow morning!). Laundry (surprise!) to be done. Photos to upload and make simple adjustments to. And yet I sit, falling in love with another blogger. Falling in love with photographs I didn't take. Falling in love with strangers who are more complex than I'd ever be...than I even wish to be.

I am simple. People underestimate me. The other day, a coworker explained to me, step by step - and without my prompting - how to do a Google search. Must I really seem so dumb?

I must.

I might project my need for simplicity in life. No, I don't want romantic love. No, I don't want a relationship - a typical one, anyway. No, I don't need a babydaddy. I'm sort of happy with my non-complex job.

Yup, I have complex life situations: dealing with the ex sucks balls. Living paycheck to paycheck (or less, really) is a challenge. My kids exasperate me. I worry all the time that what I offer them is less than they deserve. My situation exasperates me.

But, I've realized that even my complexities are simple. So maybe that's what others see.

Hello, America. Simple does not equal stupid. Pass it on.

tickle monster emerges

2011-08-06T22:41:00.002-04:00

tickle monster emerges, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

I love these two girls.

Day 22/365

2011-08-06T21:55:00.003-04:00

Day 22 of 365, a photo by melzeroo on Flickr.

My Comfort